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Neurodiversity, Community

If you’re thinking of disclosing your autism, read this first

The global autistic community shares the good and bad sides of autism disclosure

MMS Staff

5 Jul 2024

5-min read

An autism disclosure can be freeing.


But, undoubtedly, it's also often a delicate and challenging process for many autistic individuals. 


Despite increasing awareness and understanding of autism, the responses that autistic people receive when they share their diagnosis can range from dismissive and ignorant to outright ableist. 


Our recent #MuchMuchSays session - where we ask our community questions related to topics that pertain to our everyday lives - with the autistic community highlighted the varied and often painful reactions that autistic individuals face when they disclose their autism. 


Common responses to Autism disclosure


One of the most common and frustrating responses reported was a dismissive or reaction of disbelief. 


Many people shared experiences of being told they don't “look” autistic or that there's no way they could be autistic:


You look normal - @1232343_

You don't look autistic to me is usually the first thing I get. - @yagamilight3000

These comments reflect a fundamental misunderstanding of autism, reducing it to a set of visible traits.


Silence and dismissal


Equally hurtful is the silence or abrupt change in subject that some individuals face after disclosing their autism:


Nothing. Silence. No questions. Nothing said. Maybe some generic normative statements. Changing the subject. That’s the saddest. Then autie brain can’t even understand if the other person is interested in knowing more or being more supportive or is it that typical way of going quiet to dismiss something out of the conversation (this way is of course taken from that super cryptic rules and regulations book of neuronormativity which no neurodivergent has been able to fully decipher yet). - @adwaita.das
Silence from the two friends closest to me. It broke my heart 😔 - @sara.untangled
Usually something dismissive like, ‘only a little though right (assuming spectrum is a left to right-low to high)’ and then, ‘oh we all struggle with those things’… - @cotey72

This lack of engagement can be deeply isolating, leaving autistic individuals feeling unsupported and marginalised.


Ignorant and hurtful questions


Some responses are more overtly offensive or ignorant, questioning the legitimacy of the diagnosis or making inappropriate assumptions.

Worst response: who assessed you? There’s no way you are autistic. - @carotomes
I get a “Oh! I’m sorry!” Or “Sooo, self diagnosed huh?” - @twistedlavenderbud
I’ve gotten questions like “you must be really high functioning then, right?” Because they can’t believe I have a job and am able to socialize with them. - @livloudesu
A judge told me I seemed cognitive. Yeah thanks judge it's called masking. - @catehernandez88
“I think we are all a bit autistic aren't we?” - @willowthewisp1

These reactions not only invalidate the individual's experience but also undermine their credibility and self-awareness. 


Ableist microaggressions


Ableism often manifests in the form of microaggressions — subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory comments or behaviours. Some community members shared their experiences with these types of responses:


"Are you actually diagnosed?" But most of the time people don't ASK anything, they TELL. "You're really high functioning then", "you don't seem autistic", "don't let it define you!", "you just want an excuse", "but you can (insert stereotype here)"... - @autistic.since.forever
“BUT you never struggled with that as a kid.” “buT you got all As in school” “why are you suddenly struggling with all this stuff NOW?” - @_beansproot

These comments not only diminish the reality of living with autism but also perpetuate stereotypes about the “spectrum” being a linear scale.


Positive and supportive reactions


But all's not lost. While negative responses are unfortunately common, there are also examples of understanding and supportive reactions.

I instantly disclose once I realize I will talk with them for more than about 10 minutes. It’s a casual disclosure and I decide how long the conversation will go once I see their reaction. My favorite reaction to date: “…. You are? Wow…. We are so much alike. I’ve been really thinking I might be too… can you tell me how you sought your diagnosis and how you deal with everything being too much?” - @neurodivvyd
'please let me know if you need any accommodations or things I can do to be supportive' - @laurart_uk
“cool/good to know! Thanks for sharing that with me! Optional: I know every autistic person is different, so Is there anything you want me to know about your specific needs?” - @_beansproot

These supportive responses show empathy and a willingness to learn. 


Filtering out ableism


When it comes to disclosing autism, negative reactions can be disheartening. 


However, it helps to filter out those who are not supportive or understanding. This process can help autistic individuals cultivate a smaller, more supportive social circle, free from ableism and negativity.


Negative or dismissive reactions serve as indicators of relationships that may not be worth maintaining. 


People who respond with disbelief, silence, or hurtful comments reveal their inability to be supportive allies. By recognising and distancing themselves from these individuals, autistic people can protect their mental and emotional well-being.


Identifying the true allies


Disclosing autism can act as a litmus test for the relationships in one's life. 


Those who respond with empathy, curiosity, and a willingness to understand are the true allies. They demonstrate their acceptance and support through their words and actions, making it clear that they value and respect the autistic individual's identity.


I take the “tell every stranger within 10 seconds of meeting” and then the folk who don't like it never talk to me again. It's a win-win for me. I'm very vocal about ppl being rude to me so if there's rudeness pointed at me I call it out. Usually I disclose in response to them disclosing something. If they get rude at me about autism I get rude about their disclosure. 😂on a more serious note: my job is focused on hiring folk with disabilities, mental or physical, so I'm unmasked there. I'm unmasked in my social circle, and I live with other ND ppl. I honestly haven't gotten a ride response in several years. Not since I moved out of the American Midwest tbh. - @thegriffinnews

The importance of kindness and acceptance


Autism disclosure can be a slippery slope, often leading to overt bullying, discrimination, or social isolation. 


The responses shared by our community highlight the urgent need for greater awareness, education, and kindness. 


By cultivating an environment of acceptance and understanding, we can help autistic individuals feel seen, heard, and valued.


Moving forward


It is crucial for society to move beyond stereotypes and misconceptions about autism. 


Simple acts of empathy and understanding can make a significant difference in the lives of autistic individuals, helping to create a more inclusive and supportive community for all.


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