Seeing their children struggle with loneliness, Gopika Kapoor & Moneisha Gandhi launched Buddy Up
Swara Swami
15 Oct 2024
12-min read
Loneliness and social isolation are common yet often overlooked struggles for people with disabilities and their caregivers.
The lack of accessible opportunities for forming friendships leaves many in the disability community feeling disconnected. This isolation can have a profound impact on emotional well-being, making the need for supportive, inclusive spaces even more critical.
At Much Much Spectrum, we set out to explore this pressing issue by speaking with the co-founders of Buddy Up, an innovative app designed to bridge this gap.
In an exclusive interview, Gopika Kapoor and Moneisha Gandhi, both mothers to young people with disabilities, share how their personal experiences of loneliness inspired them to create an app that promises to connect people with disabilities and their caregivers, offering them a platform to find meaningful friendships and support networks.
Swara: Can you both please introduce yourself?
Gopika (she/ her): My name is Gopika Kapoor. I am a neurodiversity consultant and an author. I'm also a counsellor and one of the co-founders of Buddy Up along with Moneisha.
Moneisha (she/ her): I'm Moneisha, the second co-founder of Buddy Up. For many years I ran and managed an embroidery export company but that closed during the Covid lockdown. I'm also mom to a 19-year-old called Mihaan who has Down Syndrome. I volunteer at the Ummeed Parent Resource Centre and was involved at my son's school helping in the inclusion space there.
Swara: What inspired you both to create the Buddy Up app and how did your personal experiences as mothers of children with disabilities influence this?
Moneisha: So my son is one of those very social characters, and he was at a school and I was kind of getting a little worried when he was getting into his teenage years about long-term friendships because I felt like the other kids in the school were all going to go off in different directions. So I actively started looking for friends for him. I didn't want it to come to a point where he would suddenly be alone but I was finding it hard to find friends that he could relate to and I wished there was an app like this. Luckily for us, we met through a common friend - Dr Vibha Krishnamurthy - who founded Ummeed Child Development Center. She said, “Hey, you know, why don't you try meeting?” The two boys (Vir and Mihaan) met and it was like magic. They just got on really well. We got them together and it was really fantastic and they've known each other now for about three years. We realised that having this sort of connection is very, very powerful. We kind of also thought how amazing it would be for other people to have some way of reaching out to others in the community to make those connections, and that was the genesis of the Buddy Up idea.
Gopika: So for my part, you know, Vir - my son - being on the spectrum, I really struggled to find friends for him, friends who would be like him, friends who could do the same things that he could do and whom he could relate with. I remember I was told when I used to go for therapy at Ummeed, to do planned playdates and I used to hate those because it would stress me out so much because if it was a neurotypical child they would end up playing with Vir's twin sister Gayatri, who is neurotypical, and Vir would be in one corner playing on his own. If it was an autistic kid or someone within the disability community, then I would be dealing with two kids doing this very kind of thing. So I just gave up on these playdates and I just figured, okay, you know, we'll figure it out as it goes on. But as he got older, we would try to compensate for his lack of friends, but as parents, you're no compensation for a teenage boy. He'd rather be out with his friends than hanging out with his parents. And so I was very stressed that in two years, my daughter would be leaving for college and what would he do because she's his twin sister and they've been together from the womb. Enter Mihaan, and Vir and him just chilled. And the amazing thing is that I think Moneisha had been looking for friends for Mihaan in the Down Syndrome community. I had been looking for friends for Vir in the autism community.
Moneisha: And we realised after they met, one, that it was hugely life-changing and two, that having a friend is therapeutic.
Gopika: Moneisha introduced me to this bootcamp that both the boys are part of. They've got a whole bunch of friends there. And then I told her Vir is going to join something called Skill Shakti. So she said, I'm going to apply for Mihaan. And then things rolled from there.
Moneisha: I think no place existed where you could meet. You have to be lucky to find someone within your circle. I think the idea of this app was really to open up that whole circle of possibility. You could now potentially have a whole, much wider circle to choose a friend from. You're not going to be friends with the first person you meet.
Gopika: And you're not going to want to hang out with that same person all the time. You want to have a variety of people in your life.
Moneisha: I'm always looking at the app, like who's their age, who kind of shares similar interests to them that we can sort of reach out to via the app. There's a loneliness epidemic out there. There are so many people that are just alone, sad, because they don't have that connection. And I think this is like a mode of trying to find those people that could potentially be those important people in your life.
Swara: From your perspective, what's the biggest social challenge faced by people with disabilities and their caregivers in India? And how does Buddy Up aim to address these issues?
Moneisha: With people with disabilities in lots of different families, I think the stigma they face, other people don't want to hang out with their kids. Parents with Down Syndrome come and tell us that they really feel isolated, the kids and the parents. So here is a possibility to reach out to people that share your experience and know exactly what you've been through and therefore are much more likely to form a deep connection with you because of a shared experience.
Gopika: I'll talk from the perspective of autism. What happens is, parents, when they have an autistic child, they don't know how this child is going to behave. So they cut themselves off. They don't go to birthday parties. They don't go to weddings. They don't go to the mall. They don't go to the beach. They don't go to family dinners and hang out, hang out with their friends. Very few do. If they find a caretaker, they will leave the child with them, but otherwise invariably it will be one parent going and the other one sitting at home, usually the mom sitting at home with the child. And it becomes very difficult. There's nobody to understand how you feel because even though you may be very close to your parents, your siblings, your friends, that exact experience that you're going through is not going to be understood by anybody because they are not living your life as a caregiver. For a person with a disability, same thing. They are not living your life. So what the app does is it really attempts to bring together not only people with disabilities, but also caregivers. And so you will be connected with another caregiver. Now, whether your child may be two, that person's child may be 20. It doesn't matter, but you can connect with the other caregiver, talk to them, talk about experiences that you've shared. You can talk about resources or just whatever you want to do. You can create that friendship based on a shared experience. So the app gives you that option as well.
Moneisha: You can read a profile. If someone you feel like they might be somebody that you connect with, you can send them a friend request, you can talk about whatever you need to talk to them about. So I think it just opens up possibilities, different people that you may not have met in your immediate circles. I think that was really the idea.
Gopika: If you are, say, limited by a mobility condition, you can't get out of the house, or if you just don't want to be around people, but at the same time you want some sort of connection, where do you go that is a safe space? You may not be able to find those if you're older, you may not be able to find those connections on Tinder or Hinge or something like that. There is always that safety aspect. If your child is younger, Facebook, Instagram may not be the right kind of place. And so really, where do you go? So this gives you the option of also having an online friendship. You can look for online friends only, in which case only those people will show up and you can chat with them on the app. We offer a one-minute free video call, which is to ascertain the identity of the person who you're chatting with to make sure they are who they say they are. And you can keep chatting with them on the app without revealing your WhatsApp number, phone number, address. So you can stay on the app and keep chatting with them, and just take it from there.
Swara: Can you walk us through some of the key features of Buddy Up? How does the app specifically cater to the needs of both individuals with disabilities and their caregivers?
Moneisha: One of the things that we've worked on is accessibility. We did a lot of testing with the visually impaired community. We also tested it with people who had other disabilities. We got their feedback and some of the things that they talked about were incorporated. We have a block feature. We thought that was really important to someone that is bothering you. Those sorts of focus groups kind of helped us to tailor the app to listen to what people are asking for.
Gopika: You can basically search for friends on the basis of any kind of criteria. Age, gender, LGBTQIA+ identity, distance, etc. And we've spoken to lots of people in the disability community and introduced interests that they might have. For example, we were told that anime is a huge interest. So we included that. Somebody wrote to us and said please include writing. So we included that. Languages are another area of interest for a lot of people, especially on the autism spectrum. And then based on disability. If you don’t want to disclose your disability, you can leave it blank.
Moneisha: I think that feature is very useful for parents and caregivers because if they're feeling like they need to connect with someone with a specific condition - like a rare genetic disorder - you can use that criteria to locate other parents who've been through a similar experience.
Gopika: You can chat with the person, you can send them pictures, like a regular chat.
Moneisha: And there’s also the option to keep details about yourself private, like your address, phone number, etc.
Gopika: Also, your username doesn't have to reflect your name. Your photograph doesn't have to be uploaded.
Swara: For parents receiving a new diagnosis for their child, peer support is crucial. How does the app help new parents find guidance, support and community?
Gopika: Parents can reach out to other caregivers. They can find other caregivers, like themselves, they can connect with. If they want people from their locality, they can connect with them. If they want to talk to them online, they can connect with them there.
Moneisha: We also have a list of resources, which we'll be constantly updating on the first
page.
Gopika: When you ask any parent of a child with a disability what they want for their child, they’ll say a solid friend. Other moms have seen the friendship Vir and Mihaan share, and the fact that as their moms we have created this app, they say they feel very happy when they see this.
Moneisha: When we were looking at this space, we just felt like there are so many great organisations out there for therapy, good medical facilities, etc. But the one place in the disability space that seemed to be missing was the social one. And I think this app will make some progress towards helping resolve some of those issues. The biggest issue is like (these children) are just isolated. As a parent or a person with disability, to have that small group of people or that person who can actually be your go-to person, not somebody who does it out of a sense of charity. I remember when we got our diagnosis for Mihaan, Down Syndrome, it was just so stressful. But that whole cloud lifted the moment I met an older mom who had a son with Down syndrome. I met the family, I saw they were okay. And I heaved a sigh of relief, because I said, okay, they're fine. I'm going to be fine. And I'm hoping that's another sort of thing that comes out of these connections on the app.
Swara: What are some of the most significant challenges you faced while developing and launching Buddy Up, especially when trying to meet the unique needs of your target audience?
Gopika: We are not tech people. And the app is tech. So just understanding, learning, figuring out what platform to use, how to do it. I mean, the challenges continue.
Moneisha: Right now, we bootstrapped this whole project. But there are things we need to think about. First we thought we’ll start with a really simple app. Then we said, it doesn't look great. It has to be an app, it has to have all the features, so we added features. We kept adding and at every stage I would say one thing, we've been very lucky, we also just had people that have put up their hand, come forward, helped us, people who've done stuff at cost, people who've done stuff pro bono.
Gopika: And not necessarily people connected with disability. The design was created by somebody in Bangalore who works on app design and was on Moneisha's husband's school group. My nephew and one of his friends helped us with the hosting. So we really had help from a lot of people, and I just had to call Aditi and say listen we're doing this and she said we're doing an interview and I know the kind of reach Much Much Spectrum has. So I think that has really been quite wonderful.
Swara: What is your long-term vision for Buddy Up?
Moneisha: To increase the number of users is the first thing. We just want to have lots of people on it, and lots more choices.
Gopika: We have also had people reaching out to us and saying please bring it to our country, somebody from Dubai, somebody from Singapore, somebody from London, from Canada saying why don't you start Buddy Up Canada? Let's just do India first then we'll think about going to Canada!
Moneisha: We have to just take it one step at a time where each step is difficult so once we get over the first hurdle then we start thinking about the next one.
Swara: I just want to add that what you both are doing with this app it's really great, because we have not had something like that. Especially as a child when I had no friends, I think the children nowadays will have some support now through this app.
Gopika: Thank you, fingers crossed.
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