Sisterhood with Neurodivergence: Shreya & Roshni’s lived experience

Shreya (33, she/ her, neurodivergent) and her sister Roshni (30, she/ her, allistic) speak to Much Much Spectrum about their growing up years. 

Interviewer: Can you both share a little bit about yourselves and your relationship as sisters growing up and how has your bond evolved over the years? 

Shreya: Well, I think I should start with the story of this picture. When Roshni was just born, she was on Amma's lap. Actually she's supposed to be on Amma's lap, but I have pushed her away and she's crying and I have taken my place on my mother's lap and I'm feeling very happy about it. So essentially that kind of sums up our childhood. 

We used to fight a lot. Because that's what siblings do. But we also used to chill a lot together and play on the computer and have Shrewsbury biscuits while we did it. So we had a lot of these rituals, like making midnight snacks together and things like that. But we also fought a lot. 

But when I moved to Ahmedabad to do my master's, I think that is when we became really close when we started living in different cities. Roshni would come and visit me and stay with me on campus and then in the various other cities I have lived in. So I think that is when we became super close and we both are the first person we go to. At least for me, she's the first person I go to with any major issue. 

We are very similar yet very, very different people. So I think it is a little complementary and also we have a lot of shared interests. So we definitely bond on that. Roshni introduced me to Taylor Swift. We, in general, all of us enjoy food that is one of the things we bond over. And dogs, books. Yes. A lot of books. 

Interviewer: Roshni, do you also have something to share about your relationship with Shreya? 

Roshni: I definitely agree with most of the things that she has said. We were not very close while growing up because I'm the younger sister. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, so I genuinely feel like we had those special special moments when we would be cooking together, rather, Shreya would be cooking and I would be cleaning. Before I became a teenager, things were quite different. I was a little bit scared of her, but we got very, very close and actually became friends after she moved out. 

Shreya: I forgot to say that I was not nice to Roshni when we grew up. I thought, “Oh, you must bully your younger sister. And it was… not nice. It's an important thing to mention because there are not really very great templates around there for sibling relationships, which are not opposing genders. 

Roshni: On that note, as Shreya mentioned in the picture, she has pushed me off. You can see I'm crying. And she's very, very happy. 

Interviewer: Could you tell us about your neurodivergence discovery and the journey?

Shreya: It was mostly me reading up. I would say it is thanks to the Internet, but because I was reading a lot about the Autism Awareness Month and I read up a couple of articles and I thought that those behavioural traits in adults correlated to our father. I spoke to Roshni about it, and when we spoke to Amma about it, we were like, ‘Oh my God, this makes sense.’ 

But this was a year before I asked to be assessed and then I didn't think about it. But it was like a niggling thing in the back of my head. Then I started correlating that behaviour across generations of my family. So then I asked my therapist if she could do an assessment and she was like, sure. And I didn't know what to think going in. And I was like, I don't know why I'm asking for this because do I even deserve to take this? What is this? What am I thinking? 

So then when the results came, it surprised both of us. I think also my therapist, because she'd been my therapist for four years. Once I got assessed as being autistic, I read up a lot and that also made a lot of sense to me. I understood a lot about my childhood and I read a bunch of books, starting with ‘Aspergirls’ by Rudy Simone and then ‘Unmasking Autism’ by Devon Price. I would share all of this with Roshni and Amma and they would be like, yes, okay, this makes a lot more sense. About a year or so later, I took on the ADHD assessments and that also came about and I was like, this is very true. 

Interviewer: So Roshni, how has Shreya's discovery/ diagnosis changed your dynamic with her? 

Roshni: I think this conversation is when I think I really started thinking about autism. And so many years of the last few years have been spent in just educating myself. I am also a music educator. I work in a private capacity, so I do work with a few children with diverse needs. So her assessment really, really did help in a professional sense for me to kind of work with the kids that I do, but, wow, sorry, I'm… I feel like I'm blabbering. 

Shreya: No, you're not. It's okay. It's completely fine. What you're saying is very relevant. 

Roshni: I think the biggest thing in the beginning was to educate myself and read up more, so whatever material and resources Shreya was sharing, I was making it a point to read them. It really did make a lot of sense. I think she tried to point it out to me, do you remember when this happened when I was younger or this happened? 

I was like, no, but I was younger than her. So I barely remember, you know, her experiences and meltdowns, so to speak. But it really made a lot of sense the way she is. Since then, I think I've just wanted to be her advocate, especially, you know, in our immediate family because not everyone is as proactive about educating themselves. 

I think I'm a lot more sensitive to how she is feeling, especially any sort of overstimulation. I feel like when she's around, it's like my ears are also picking up these frequencies. I need to ensure that, for example, at home when we are sitting together and watching TV anytime the volume spikes, the volume is reduced to ensure that she's feeling okay. 

Interviewer: Shreya, do you have something to share also? 

Shreya: No. Oh, I would just say that it has just become, I think, better because the understanding is now deeper. And I feel like I can be a very confusing person to be around for a lot of people, but I feel like the assessment has helped understand some of it. 

This may be something that Roshni has been doing for a long time, but I feel like now she is… someone you can rely on without having to explain too much when you are overstimulated in, say, family gatherings or generally just sitting at home and watching TV. So that aspect really helps because there are very few people in my immediate family or immediate surroundings who actually understand it. So it is nice to not have to open your mouth and explain it. 

Interviewer: So how do you both support and care for each other? 

Shreya: We were visiting family in Delhi in December. And it was super social for about a few days. And the last day I just, I could barely talk. I was like, I'm done. I'm done with this world. So Roshni really took on even talking to the cab guy and telling him where we had to go. And there were some physical tasks to be done. She kind of took it on. She also got me coffee. 

A lot of that is a big way that she has, I think, shown care towards me. I don't want it to be like Roshni is in service to me constantly, but I feel like I also like it when I'm staying with her. Then I make her chai and meals because for me doing things is showing love and care. 

Roshni: I think if you have ever met Shreya, especially in a house setting, it doesn't matter whose house it is, you'll definitely have multiple cups of chai, which she will make, and there will be at least one snack. Whatever is there in the kitchen, she'll make something. And that is her love language. It has always been, I think, like all of the midnight snacks also. 

She bakes, she cooks, for it doesn't matter who comes through the door. Actually, most people. With us also, there are weekly FaceTime calls. Sometimes we call each other and give each other the most random updates. And sometimes we just exist on FaceTime together for about 15 minutes to an hour. She is my council, she is my lighthouse. 

I feel like the reason why I knew I could marry my partner is because Shreya had approved of him. Any major decisions in life, I feel like I need to run by her because she has a very x-ray type scan view of things. And it's great to have such a clear voice sometimes telling you what you might not want to hear or see. So that way I feel like that's how we care for each other.

Shreya: When Roshni’s partner is not there, we are just each other’s extended plus ones. And Roshni is also nicer to people than I am. So it's nice to go with her to family functions. People are nice to me also, obviously, but I feel like they're a little scared of me. But everyone is always nice to Roshni, so it's nice to be around her. But I think we balance each other out. There's a fair amount of overstimulation that happens for Roshni also. We have left a lot of weddings and gone to cafes and restaurants and just sat there. 

Interviewer: Despite being the elder sister, Shreya, you mentioned that your sister is often seen as the older one because of her presentation. Tell us more about the differences in your presentation. Neurodivergent people are often considered way younger than their age because of how we present. How do you both feel about this? 

Shreya: First of all, we both wear big glasses and we both have short hair. And we both speak in a similar manner. So lots of people also say that we look similar. But I think this really stood out to us once when we were in Chennai visiting some relatives and somebody was like, ‘Oh, I'm pointing to Roshni asking if she's the older one’, which was very strange and she's gotten annoyed and that has just increased in occurrence since then. 

But because I also almost always have coloured hair, I don't know if people are seeing that and seeing things because of it. And now I have a lot of tattoos. But I don't know why that points to making me look younger. But yeah, it's strange because I'm like, what are the markers of it? 

Roshni: Yeah, I think it could be, I mean, some people also think it's the height thing. I'm fractionally taller than Shreya. In the beginning I used to get a little annoyed. Because I was like, ‘Oh my God, but look at my face.’ I have such a baby face, but I don't care about it anymore. It's fine. 

Shreya: That is true. 

Roshni: Yeah, and I think the way we dress also has something to do with it. I am quite boring in my fashion on a day to day basis. Like when Shreya is around, things get brightened up as a proxy effect, I guess. But because she's always, she expresses herself sometimes through her clothing and the hair colour. The last one of the weddings we went to in 2021 or 22, some people asked Shreya that, and she had a bunch of green hair at that time. It was green, right Shreya? 

Shreya: Whose wedding? 

Roshni: This was Varun's wedding. 

Shreya: Varun's wedding? 

Roshni: Yeah. 

Shreya: I had some coloured hair, but it wasn't green. I think it was purple or pink.

Life stage wise, as per traditional societal life stage, I am not married and I don't have kids and I'm 33 and there are very few people I know my age who are like this, which is very strange in India. But I feel like that also shows. And the tonality of talking. But I feel like this may also play into why people think I am younger in general. It doesn't make sense. 

Interviewer: Can you both share a message to families/ siblings where one is neurodivergent and the other is not. 

Roshni: I'll just repeat what I said earlier, which is, educating oneself is the most important thing you can do as the first step. If anyone in your family is assessed, provide support in whatever way is possible. And, I once brought this up in therapy actually, I don't know sometimes how to help my sister or how to advocate for her. 

I feel like in some situations it's very sticky and the best piece of advice she's ever given me is to just ask her what she wants. So I think educating oneself and ensuring that you are asking questions and giving the support that a person needs and not just kind of preemptively giving them support based on what you think they need. 

Shreya: Asking, as you said, but also being willing to listen. Because I feel like when a neurodivergent sibling says something, a lot of what we say is very, very surprising to people because of the experiences, because if everyone has experienced the same thing, the way people experience it can be very, very different. So I feel like sometimes being generally better at listening and believing the other person that, okay, yeah, this is what they got out of the situation… I think that really helps. 

But I feel like if someone has grown up with a neurodivergent sibling in any case, they would always know that there are a lot of things that their family does, or that they would do as siblings, that are not usual and that are anyway designed to cope with the other person's neurodivergence.

So like you have already been living with it. Now when we think about our family and we realise we are so strange, all of us, and we all do these things also that are so strange. And I realised when I talk to my friends' families that they don't have naturally strange families. So… these things. So, just embrace it and believe in the other person. That's all.

Shreya is a media professional and podcaster. You can check out her podcast 'At Odds' here.